Chris Jackson
Sep 05, 2026
Anthony Abbate: Chairman of the Fence
A tuxedo, a microphone, a theological crisis, and one very comfortable fence. New Catholic satire song is now live on YouTube.
There are men who take a position.
There are men who change positions.
And then there are men who build a very nice house directly on the fence, install a microphone, order a cocktail, and begin explaining why everybody on either side has gone too far.
That brings us to “Chairman of the Fence.”
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I’m Anthony Abbate.
I host a show called Avoiding Babylon.
Every week I tell you the men running Rome hate Tradition.
Then I call you crazy for questioning whether they’re Catholic.
Now, let’s all remain calm.
[Verse 1]
I say Rome persecutes the ancient Mass;
The SSPX defends what Rome attacks.
I toast Marcel Lefebvre for saying no,
And hail the SSPX for doing so.
But ask if Rome’s hierarchy has the right to rule,
I call you a “sede moron” and a fool.
I lay out all the reasons, then refuse what they imply,
And climb back on my fence without explaining why.
[Chorus]
I’m the Chairman of the Fence,
I make contradiction sound like common sense.
“The hierarchy hates Tradition!” I declare,
Then you ask me what that means—I won’t go there.
I’ll prove Rome’s lost the Faith from A to Z,
Just don’t draw the obvious conclusion out of me.
I’ll take you right up to the evidence—
Then leave you with the Chairman of the Fence.
[Verse 2]
Leo’s Pachamama worship? I’m unperturbed.
But Trump posts a meme? I’m deeply disturbed.
“Don’t lambast Leo,” I explain with grace,
Then turn the blowtorch on the MAGA base.
“No more MAGA.” Voting’s “kind of silly.”
The ward bosses toast from Newark down to Philly.
For Trump, brass knuckles; Leo gets incense.
I call that balance from atop the fence.
[Pre-Chorus — call and response]
My critics? “Judas! Poison! Sede moron!”
For Leo? “Nuance, patience—carry on.”
The gloves come off; my fury grows immense
Whenever someone rattles my fence.
[Chorus]
I’m the Chairman of the Fence,
I make contradiction sound like common sense.
“The hierarchy hates Tradition!” I declare,
Then you ask me what that means—I won’t go there.
I’ll prove Rome’s lost the Faith from A to Z,
Just don’t draw the obvious conclusion out of me.
I’ll take you right up to the evidence—
Then leave you with the Chairman of the Fence.
[Spoken Breakdown]
Let me make this simple.
If a priest blesses a gay couple,
He’s going to Hell.
But you’re not gay.
It doesn’t affect you.
Any questions?
Please stop obsessing.
[Bridge]
I say the Church is living through Her Passion;
That metaphor is always in fashion.
Christ bled beneath the soldiers’ cruel array;
He never taught a falsehood on the way.
That wrinkle makes my metaphor run dry—
So bring the brass back in and play it high!
“God’s writing one tremendous comeback story!”
Just wait for act three’s unspecified glory.
[Verse 3]
I tell you next door’s house cost three-quarters of a mil;
But I’m a humble construction worker still.
At the Frisky Oyster: “Dinner for two.”
Three-thirty-seven—four hundred when we’re through.
Three Tito’s, one martini, oysters, Friday steak;
I’m living high on the hog—for humility’s sake.
I preach the blue-collar life with practiced eloquence—
From my reserved seat in the middle of the fence.
[Verse 4]
The hard hat’s on; my blueprints look immense,
But every road dead-ends against my fence.
Construction stops before the final span;
Conclusion wasn’t written in the plan.
Then Sede Picante rolls another clip;
A puppet sees the point I chose to skip.
No doctorate, no sponsor, no pretense—
Just two plastic eyes and basic common sense.
[Final Chorus]
I’m the Chairman of the Fence,
The impresario of managed suspense.
I spot Babylon from fifty miles away,
Then book a suite and tell the band to play.
I say Rome’s rulers openly hate Tradition,
Then mock you if you doubt their jurisdiction.
I grant you every premise, dodge the consequence—
I’m Anthony, the Chairman of the Fence.
[Spoken Outro]
My show is called Avoiding Babylon.
Every week I tell you the men running Rome hate Tradition.
Then I insist those same men remain the true Catholic authorities.
And if you ask how both can be true…
You’re a Sede moron.
Good night, everybody.
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Anthony Abbate: Chairman of the Fence